Jock Washing and the Anti-Buffalo Bias

by Ryan

Being a Buffalo sports blog, we are pretty big homers when it comes to all things Buffalo. However, even we're not sure what this is all about. Media Matters took offense to a Bill Simmons line from a mailbag a few weeks back. Here's the entry:

There is one silver lining to Buffalo's Cinderella season slowly falling apart to the point that the Bills now might miss the playoffs. I am not allowed to mention it, but if you rack your brains, you will figure it out. Think about the insufferable way that Oprah attached herself to Obama, and you will be getting warm.

Anyone want to fill me in on this one? What media figure has been propping up the Bills this year? Chris Berman has certainly said nice things, and he even donned a Buffalo hat at one point. But Obama won, and Oprah was happy, whereas the Bills are losing ...

I'll assume for now that this is a dig at Simmons' ESPN colleague, Berman, which is only further proof of anti-Bills bias at that network. It has hired two former members of the 1990s Dallas Cowboys, Michael Irvin and Emmitt Smith, both of which openly root for their old team on the air; Smith even served as spokesperson for his old team when a (very) critical book was written. Such criticism is especially ironic coming from Simmons, one of the biggest jock-washers for the New England Patriots in the mainstream sports media. But profess fanship for the Bills? Tsk tsk, how insufferable...

First of all I'm not so sure the assumption is correct. Many people took that as a dig at ESPN for nixing his Obama podcast a few months back, as well as his picks column the week before. He's the first person I've seen to directly claim it a crack at Berman, but if that's the case I suppose I'm wrong.

Here's the thing about Berman: even if he is a Bills fan he's really annoying. The nicknames, the tired routine; it was cute when I was seven, but now I'd like to hear something... different. Even so, a personal opinion about Berman doesn't imply an "anti-Bills bias" at ESPN. In fact, I think that's the furthest thing from the truth.

What ESPN has when it comes to the Bills is not a bias, but rather sheer indifference. When you think about it, what reason does ESPN have to rally against the Bills? The fact of the matter is that a small-market football team doesn't make the headlines the "majority" of America wants to see. Only WNY and some expatriates want to know about the Bills, unlike the huge followings of Dallas, Washington, and New England.

Also, what have the Bills done in the past ten years to warrant any special coverage? A long playoff drought, shortage of superstars, and a whole mess of other reasons have conspired to push the Bills off the front page in the sporting world, not some hyper-conspiracy against them. Norby doesn't hate the Bills, he just doesn't give a crap about them. Simple as that.

The interesting thing about these claims of bias is his mention of Michael Irvin and Emmitt Smith, two former Cowboys who currently have jobs with The Four Letter. He must have short-term memory because it wasn't long ago ESPN had both Jim Kelly and Marv Levy under its collective wing. Times change, and so does the overload of players from a specific team.

He did get one thing right, though: Simmons can be a huge jock-washer at times. Still, call me when he get three rings things right...

Our Lights Out

"Whatever his name is..."

The Gotcha ESPN Media is finally starting to take real notice.
Look out, Miami.

Tournament of Hearts

by Ryan




Sometime today Brett Favre will strap on the pads wherever the Packers have training camp. I'm not sure where they have training camp, but that's mostly because I don't give a crap.

I may be the only one, however. SportsCenter is going to have a special at camp watching for the moment he touches down on the "playground soil" he will "frolic like a kid" on for the next few weeks.

Every single day from that point on, we will receive updates on his every drill, every snap, and every water break. From 7 on 7s to the running drills that will make him look like a gunslinger to the wind sprints where he will be "just having fun out there". Sometime during the day, he will throw on a pair of jeans and launch footballs over a river. Peter King will orgasm, and Mel Kiper will mock draft their lovechild to go in the first round twenty years from now.

If you are not laughing, I'm glad you understand how serious the above is. If you were at all tired of the Brett Favre Saga at this point, you better stop watching television for the next year or so. Not to scare anyone, but it's about to get all crazy up in here.

I've had some time to think it over, and I've come to this: somehow, in some sick twisted way, we want this.

Sure, ESPN has screwed the pooch on a lot of things. Titletown, Who's Now, Arena Football, Rick Reily, Schrutebag, The Budwieser Hot Seat, Ultimate Highlight, Barbaro, Rush Limbaugh, ESPN Mobile, Woody Paige, Skip Bayless, the entire concept of First and Ten, and the WNBA to name fourteen. However, all of these tragic events have one thing in common: they think we want this.

Think of it this way: ESPN is a business, and every decision they make is based on the idea that they will profit off it. Even stupid things like "Who's Now" are built with profit in mind. It may sound crazy, but they think the average sports fan wants to watch crap like that.

And maybe they do. If there is anything I know about myself, it is that I am not an average sports fan. Maybe there really are millions of people out there that are dying to know what Lo from Laguna Beach thinks about the '04 USC football team, or who want Chris Berman to make up nicknames for players based on popular waffle houses. However, I don't fall into that category, and everyone I know would straight up murder Berman if he made that "WHAP" noise more than six times in person.

However stupid and irritating those things are, somehow they make money for the network. The proof is the fact that there are more of them, and that Norby still has a job. This makes me think that maybe we, the ones who complain about ESPN, are the wrong ones. The coverage of Brett Favre may be the perfect example of this.

For starters, there are people interested in this. Favre is very popular, and a major NFL star coming out of retirement is a big deal. Next are the Packers fans, of which there are a lot of them across the country. Perhaps the green and yellow color palette is alluring, or maybe a Super Bowl does that for you. Whatever.

Beyond that, what good is it to pull Linda Coen from the X Games to sit in a field somewhere and wait for Favre to toss his sweat bands at her? Are casual NFL fans that interested in what is going on? To a certain extent yes, but here is the real audience: The people who hate Brett Favre.

Yes, those of us who are sick of the act, sick of the fanfare. Deep down, we want to know what happens. The fact of the matter is that we are sports fans, and just because we hate all the accolades Favre gets for looking like he enjoys the game of football, we want to know what happens next.

Perhaps it is for fantasy value, or maybe you just because you want to know where to direct your hate. No matter, you want to know about Brett Favre, and just because you don't catch the SportsCenter special doesn't mean you won't catch a recap later. There is a level of schadenfreude involved in this whole thing that, even if you can't stand the whole process, you can't turn away. Even if you just give it a passing glance, you are giving in.

It sucks to know they have you, doesn't it?

0-2, 2 K

by Rich

I know hating on the Four-Letter is as fashionable in the blogosphere as Ed Hardy graphic tees and living in your mother's basement, but I have to take the bait once in a while. Anyone else notice how hard the Bristol hype machine has been whiffing lately? Granted, they've been known to jump the gun a little bit in the past; anyone remember that segment they ran on every SportsCenter for two or three weeks before the Vince Young Rose Bowl where they repeatedly compared that year's USC team to great historical teams to somehow determine that those Trojans were indeed the "best college football team ever assembled" and then they lost to the Longhorns? (I've always wondered, does that mean that ESPN now believes the 2006 Texas Longhorns were the best college football team of all time because they beat USC?)

Seriously though, look at the hype that's been thrown at us lately and then look at what has actually unfolded. Big Brown was crowned, anointed, and damn near canonized as The Next Triple Crown Winner during the lag time between the Preakness and Belmont. They even sent Rick Riley out to Belmont in a brown suit, for God's sake. At several points during the pre-race broadcast, the on-air talking heads claimed that the race was "as close to a foregone conclusion as any I've ever seen." (and that's a paraphrase, Mr. Bissinger; I know you're reading anything concerning our equine friends)

So what happens? Big Brown turns in a worse lap time than an actual big, brown UPS truck would have and becomes the first ever Triple Crown hopeful to finish dead last at Belmont. Don't worry, I'm not about to question the horse's heart or desire or grit or hustle or any of those attributes normally used to describe David Eckstein. I know, I know, horses are people too and how dare I question anything about these warriors who sacrifice themselves for glory and victory...I mean these poor downtrodden, abused animals who have been systematically victimized from birth...wait, never mind. None of the above. It's a horse running on a track. Still, there hasn't been any kind of physical reason given for what happened at Belmont; seems like Big Brown just wasn't trying to run hard that day. I'd like to think he was just sticking it to ESPN, saying "that's what you get for trying to impart all this human drama and hype onto me."

As entertaining as it was watching talking heads stumble over themselves trying to explain how a large land mammal managed to lay an egg, I actually enjoyed the Worldwide Leader's Euro 2008 gaffe even more. ESPN is trying to push European soccer on us pretty hard lately (which I'm totally fine with; I don't watch MLS soccer for the same reason I don't watch double-A baseball), and their lead ad for the Euro 2008 tournament was based around the theme "If winning is an art, Italians are the masters."

So what happens in the second match of the tournament? Italy gets stomped on 3-0 by the Dutch. Not only was it the first victory against Italy for the Netherlands in 30 years, but it was also the worst loss Italy has ever suffered in European competition. Believe me, I enjoyed every schadenfreude-rich moment of it. Maybe it's a peculiarity of the region, or maybe I just know a lot of annoying people, but it really bothered me how many "Italians" in western New York flipped out when Italy won the World Cup a couple summers ago. Something just bothers me about people who are third and fourth-generation Americans, who have never been to Italy, and whose knowledge of the language is limited to Forza Azzurri jumping ship on their nation in favor of a place they've never been just because they're good at soccer. So for all the bandwagon-jumpers, this is your sign to jump off:

...And no, it wasn't offside, so stop your whining. The Italian national team is old, and about to be blown up. I look forward to finding out how many people turn out to be "lifelong fans of Brazil" at the next World Cup.

Basically what I'm getting at here (anti-Italian national team tangent aside) is that ESPN has undergone a subtle change over the past decade, and I don't like the direction they're going in. It used to be about reporting the story; now, they decide what the story is and then hype it to death. They got NASCAR rights, so they decided that America suddenly needed to know a lot more about making left turns. Hockey departed from their family of networks, and now gets no airtime and only sporadic, low-quality coverage on their website. There's nothing we can really do to stop this change, but you can certainly choose how you react to it. I guess what I'm trying to say is think for yourself. ESPN is still the gateway to sports information, but the Internet gives you ways around the gatekeepers of access. Don't just take Bristol's word for it, do your own digging and find out what's actually going on. That way, you'll be the one laughing when the newest product of the Four Letter Hype Machine flames out.

On Pink Hats and the Bandwagon

by Ryan


So I've been staring at this quote for the past hour.

Sid the Kid, the return of Don Cherry, the old Flyers uniforms, Montreal self-combusting, the four-OT game, Bucci and Barry, Chris Osgood clipping the dude with the butt of his stick, HD telecasts, a Wings-Pens Finals ... I have to admit, I'm enjoying the NHL playoffs. No, really. I even figured out how to find the games on my cable system and everything.

Bill Simmons, 5/22/08

So... what does that even mean? I get it, the postseason has been interesting thus far, it always is; but to see that from a guy who disowned hockey a decade ago and only to brings it out to make fun of... what gives? When did hockey become watchable from the Sports Guy Mansion with J-Bug and Hench on the wings?

I've been working on a few theories over here. The first one is that he's being genuine. Perhaps he is giving hockey a solid look for the first time because of that whole "Hey! The Bruins matter again!" thing and likes what he sees. Sure, the hockey hasn't been fantastic, but when you train yourself to cast it aside as garbage how could he possibly expect better? Perhaps he is finally understanding that the NHL can't live off the NBA model of strong personalities and that good, consistent teams with a likeable core are more important and fun to watch.

So yeah... there's that.

Another possibility is that he's full of crap and ESPN is forcing his hand. He has had some conflicts with The Four Letter recently, enough so that he has his own blogspot operational. Maybe mentioning the Don Cherry on Sportscenter gimmick is a way to mend fences. Heck, throw Bucci and Melrose in there, too!

We all know that this sudden hockey push is a test balloon for ESPN and the possibility of hockey returning, perhaps Simmons decided to help them out by throwing a major voice behind the game at juuuust the right time.

One other option, the one I've been weighing the longest, is that Simmons is simply an elitist. Bill started as just a sports fan, but moving out to LA and watching his hometown become the "City of Champions" has taken a toll on his everyman status. Suddenly he can pick and choose what he watches, he has a power over his audience to tell them what is watchable or like able.

He recommends books and people read them, tells them to follow a "Vengeance Scale" and people ask where their team's performance ranks. Simmons has a strong voice and a strong following, and let's face it, he's a damn good writer. I know I'm not the only one that started in the Internet sports scene reading every word he wrote, even if it was about things I didn't care about. Simmons can write a 30,000 word diatribe about the NBA and people that don't know who CP3 is will read it. That's the kind of power he has.

Because of this reach, he gets to pick and choose what he likes, even if it means throwing a team he loved as a child under the bus. For years all you would hear out of Simmons about hockey was how crappy the Bruins owner was, or that Joe Thornton is amazing and they got hosed in that trade. True as it was, it got old and he clearly didn't know what was going on by his own doing. Once ESPN dropped hockey, it was open season to mock the game.

So my question remains, why the change? Maybe he's for real, or maybe he just sees hockey moving towards relevance again and wants to be ahead of the curve. Regardless of the reason, it is good for the game that he is paying attention. Disgusting, filthy bandwagoner that he may be, for far too long hockey has gone without fringe fans. If it takes Simmons leading the charge of people who don't know what a Blackhawk is, so be it.

Hey, at least he watches the draft.

Leaping the Selachimorpha

by Ryan

Does anyone remember when ESPN's Page 2 was good? I do. In fact, like many bloggers out there, Page 2 was my link to the underground. It was a different take on sports, one that reminded you of what you did with friends when watching the game. Bill Simmons was there, Dan Shanoff had the Daily Quickie, and it made ESPN.com something that was more than just "news." In fact, one of the first times I heard of "Deadspin" was on a Page 2 post.

Then something happened. First of all, some of the best writers of a generation died. Ralph Wiley and Hunter S. Thompson died within a year of each other, and suddenly the page seemed... empty. New writers moved in, but Shanoff went on his own, and Simmons moved to his own sub page and stopped writing as much.

In the opinion most people I know, the page went to hell. Now that may not actually be the case, but it certainly took a turn for the worst. I went from an everyday reader to an occasional glance once or twice a week, and even then it was mostly a check on Simmons' page. Once I hit the blogosphere and found people really worth reading, well, it was no contest.

The problem with Page 2 is that they just don't get it anymore. They found a model that worked and ran with it to a fair amount of success. But when your stars disappear and you try to run that model with Jemele Hill, well, good luck buddy. As great as Uni Watch is, he has his own blog with much more content on it and notifies of an ESPN update. No sense in checking for that.

The fact of the matter is that Page 2 has "jumped the shark", and this post is more than enough proof.

I mean, seriously? F#$k that post. How hard pressed are you for content that you need three people to put together something as unfunny and uninformed as that garbage? We get it guys, hockey is a joke and you don't understand it. It's a "niche sport" just like Norby says. Whatever. So stop talking about it. Don't scrape together something about glow pucks and Elisha Cuthbert and expect it to fly.

What bothers me so much about this post is not that it is uninformed (it is) but that people still read this garbage and think it is the mainstream because The Four Letter tells them it is. I may not know much about the corporate aspect of the blogosphere, but reading Mirtle's interview with Greg Wysnyski really makes me think we are moving in the right direction with things.

There is an audience for a hockey blog on a site like Yahoo Sports, and people can read Wysnyski or Mirtle or even a blog like this and decide for themselves how they feel about hockey and how the game itself is growing. You don't have to listen to some talking head tell you what to think; go read someone's blog and decide if that fan is seeing his team right. I know I wasn't reading some San Jose newspaper when Campbell was shipped off, I was on Battle of California seeing what they think of him.

One of the things I've heard said about hockey is that there are not many causal fans, you are either hardcore or not paying attention at all. Looking at our site numbers and the reaction our posts about other teams get, I would have to say it applies to the blogosphere as well. There isn't much room for someone with only a passing glance at hockey to talk about it. There are too many people who give a damn out there that deserve to be read over some retreads trying to make a five-hole joke.

In a way , though, Page 2 is right. This year's Finals match may prove to be something that gets people interested in the game. Playoff numbers are already up a noticeable amount, and the quality of information in the hockey blogosphere is only increasing. That quality of information, however, isn't going anywhere in the MSM. Even with all the vitriol many have for ESPN, it is certainly a big deal and will continue to be until all the little kids named after it sue for damages. Even with a groundswell of independent interest, hockey will continue to struggle with clowns like this knocking the game on major sites.

Even so, it's good to see things slowly but surely changing for the better. Norby and his writers may not care much about Malkin versus Zetterberg, but I know a whole lot of you out there do. That doesn't stop it from pissing the s#$t out of me, though.

ESPN Got It Right

by Ryan

The four letter doesn't cover the the ice that often, but their writing about hockey usually falls into three categories: 1) Suck (Frei), 2) Predictable (Burnside), and 3) Utterly Inane (Burnside and Cox together). However, someone in their arts department is spot on when it comes to collage construction. Check it out.



Oh yes, that's our boy Andrew Peters getting beat down by the Moustache himself, George Parros. I remember that fight because later Petey challenged the entire Ducks team to a fight and I thought to myself, "He can't even take care of just one guy!"

Ah, memories.

Was This Really Necessary?

by Rich

I know that I'm asking for it by reading one of the "blogs" on The Worldwide Leader's website, but this is a bit much. With apologies to the gentlemen at Fire Joe Morgan, there are some things here that need to be addressed.


If there is one thing I can stress, it is to not read too much into Steve Bernier's first night as a Sabre. That doesn't mean to dismiss it out of hand either.


Well-hedged, sir. No need to actually offer an opinion on a player's performance when you can say that it might be significant. Or it might not. The important thing is that Sean Allen successfully dodged the question.


Bernier played the entire night on a line with two of Buffalo's most dynamic players -- Thomas Vanek and Derek Roy and it resulted in two goals and an assist in the Sabres' 8-4 win over the Predators. A grinder by nature, Bernier had benefited from playing with talent way above his head in the past (Joe Thornton), so as long as he remains with that unit he can keep his production in the fantasy-useful realm. However, Bernier's value is tied 100 percent to his linemates, and a move of [sic] the top line would mean his value crashes and burns.

So those three points that Bear put up last night were solely the result of being on the ice with Vanek and Roy. It's true; if you look closely, Bernier never actually touched the puck on any of those plays. The combined awesomeness of his linemates propelled the puck into the net, and the scorekeeper simply took pity on Steve, awarding him some points so that we, the foolish fans, would feel better about the truly devastating loss of perennial Norris trophy-winner Brian Campbell.

Little Known Fact: Steve Bernier did accomplish something of note last night, tying Don Luce's team record for "Most Points Awarded to a Player Due Solely To His Teammates." The record had stood since a 1975 game against the Flyers, when Luce was credited with a natural hat trick simply for sharing ice time with the French Connection.

Anyhow, skipping down a bit in the article we find this gem:


Speaking of Campbell, he led all Sharks in ice time as they dominated the Blue Jackets 4-2. Campbell chipped in an assist and would have had the third assist on the first goal (if such a thing existed).

Okay, this one just hurts my brain. I'm going to need to go one sentence at a time here.

Speaking of Campbell, he led all Sharks in ice time as they dominated the Blue Jackets 4-2.

Just so we're clear, the Sabres "won" 8-4. The Sharks "dominated" 4-2. I'm not trying to argue that the Sabres did dominate the Preds, but it's just silly to say that a 4-2 win is any more impressive than an 8-4 win. You know what? Screw it. While we're randomly qualifying and disqualifying stats, let's just have the two goals that Jocelyn "The Human Empty Net" Thibault allowed stricken from the record. I'd say the Sabres' 8-2 win was at least as "dominating" as SJ's 4-2 final.


Campbell chipped in an assist and would have had the third assist on the first goal (if such a thing existed).

As my Texan roommate said after reading this line, "If my grandmother had balls, she'd be my grandfather."

While we're on the topic of the "third assist," since when is it useful to create stats to describe events that didn't actually happen? I'm all for stats, but only if they actually have some meaning. A "Third Assist" stat would give 4 of the 5 players on the ice when a goal is scored a point. You're telling me that it's statistically significant to keep track of the guy who passes to the guy who passes to the guy who passes to the guy who scores? That...would do nothing but artificially inflate the offensive statistics of mediocre players and completely skew perceptions on the actual value of an offensive player. As far as I know, the purpose of statistics as they pertain to sports is to make the evaluation of players easier, not more difficult.

Also, I notice that there's no disclaimer about Soup's abilities. For those of you keeping track at home, the Sabres got a guy with 15 goals (13 at the time of the trade) whose scoring is apparently completely dependent on his linemates, and the Sharks got MVP candidate, Hall-of-Fame defenseman, and Nobel Prize nominee Brian Campbell (who has 5 goals credited to him and 44 more that would have been if not for his charitable nature and insistence that those goals be credited to his less awesome teammates). Does this guy know Bucky Gleason?

Cox Gobblers Not Named Michael Bolton

by Ryan

If you've ever taken an English class this will look very familiar. Pick a side and argue. Try to use proper English.

It's not hard, but why does that conversation between Scott Burnside and Damien Cox read like two paraplegics humping a doorknob?

Articles like that are what makes me hate ESPN's coverage of hockey. The whole premise of the piece was to debate a single event, the Winter Classic. The result was boring, unfunny, and outright insulting at times. Did they even do research on the game? I mean Christ, there was more discussion of grammar then the actual event. Endeavor? Palaver? Toque? Do you guys want to play Scrabble or talk some hockey?

I've never been a fan of Damien Cox, but does the guy always have to be such an asshat? "Boo hoo, you can't see. It will be cold. Whah whah." He sounds like the 85 year old complaining about the Ice Bowl that was behind me at the Isles game last week. His complaints were followed by his companion asking "So... are they playing field hockey?" I think that shows the level of hockey IQ displayed in that argument.

His best quote was the following:

The notion that the NHL will add a single new fan is preposterous.

Wow. Let's throw absolutes around while making arguments, I'm sure that will end well. I'm sure it is possible someone will could be converted into a new hockey fan. I know how impossible it may seem, but some poor soul that gets sucked into watching the game on NBC may actually enjoy what he sees and want to view more. Nah, you're right Cox, there's no way hockey can gain new fans. Let's just not bother marketing the game altogether. New Jersey.

I find that anytime I actually read the garbage ESPN.com has for hockey I get pissed off. The problem is that Cox is a douchebag that enjoys playing devil's incompetent advocate, and Scott Burnside is an fing terrible writer. He makes Skip Bayless look like Hemingway, and knows less about most teams then Rob Ray knows about words with more than three syllables.

Don't even start about their reserves. Linda Coen gushing about Ottawa? Getting doe-eyed over Gomez and Drury? Gag me with a spoon. And while I do like John Buccigross, sometimes he is just as unreadable. Ask him how good the Panthers are going to be. Just ask. Uuuuuugh.

I guess what gets me so mad is that this really is what the majority of sports fans have to endure when they venture into some hockey coverage. People just don't know about alternatives like Deadspin's "NHL Closer", or sites like James Mirtle's blog or the excellent Kuklas Korner. If sports fans knew there were people who can actually write about hockey and make it sound as fun as it can be, I think things would be a lot different for hockey in America.

At the very least, Norby could hire someone that knows what the hell is going on.

Move Over, HNIC

by Ryan


From ESPN.com

Who needs the second half of a home and home when nature calls?

Seriously, they are showing freaking duck calls over hockey on ESPN. I can't be the only person that wants to gouge my eyes out with a penknife when I see things like this.

If anyone watches the streaming video of that "event", you really, really need to work on your people skills. I highly doubt attracting ducks is the biggest problem you have...

Take That, Roenick

by Ryan


Okay, so ESPN.com doesn't have the best of hockey coverage. I know I haven't been the biggest of fans, but when they put a Sabre atop one of their lists, you claim victory and cherish it forever.

To be completely honest, I'm not sure if I would put him first on the list of greatest American-born hockey players. I usually don't make my decisions based on "if/then" statements (If he wasn't hurt, then...). Also, that fear of Jeremy Roenick ripping my face off for questioning his greatness looms large.

Still, Pat LaFontaine was the first Sabre that made me fall in love with hockey. To this day I remember his last game with the Sabres, listening on the radio and trying to picture just how bad that hit was. He would play with the Rangers for another season, but I never forgot how good he was with Buffalo, even plagued with PCS.

To celebrate the occasion, I present you with the obligatory YouTube video of Pat doing his thing. I decided against his Top 10 Goals after I found one of the coolest moments in Sabres history.




Still gets to me every time.

Dear ESPN,

Why the hell is Barry Melrose picking who will win the Pats/Indy game?

For that matter, why was Charles Barkley? I'm going to tell you a secret, Norby: no one gives a s#$%.

My pick? Oh, that's right, it doesn't matter what I think.

Not Even the Foggiest Clue

by Ryan


The NHL is in a perpetual state of begging people to pay attention to hockey. Sometimes, however, they seem to cause their own problems.

Case in point, the Canada/Russia Super Series going on now. The eight game Under 20 tournament is happening as we speak, and you probably had no idea. That's becuase unless you frequent TSN.ca (Read: ESPN Canada) there is no possible way to be informed of this other than the NHL's own website. That also means that it is not on tv in the States.

Um... am I the only one that would rather enjoy watching some hockey? Since when does the US not being involved in it stop people from watching? US Soccer sucking recently hasn't stopped people from watching the World Cup. Everyone saw that Zidane guy headbutt that Italian... right?

From what I've read, the games have been good too. Today's game featured a local player scoring again and fog. That's right, a fog game. How old school is that?

Besides, who doesn't still despise Communism? It's a freaking American Tradition. If you put the chance to see Russia lose on television, you can pull more than a 0.1 any day.

Okay, okay. No one will watch, I know. But I want some freaking hockey, and it's not there. Do you know what Versus is showing at 8am on Friday, the slot that Game 3 would be in?

BENELLI'S AMERICAN SAFARI (TV-PG)
Birds, birds and more birds. Join host Steve McKelvain as he entertains Benelli trick-shooter Tim Bradley and Federal Premium Ammunition's Jason Nash as they chase chukar, wild quail and waterfowl at Texas' own, Sarco Creek ranch.

Riveting.

Gee I'm glad that's on instead of hockey. Who wants to watch Kyle Turris destroy the Reds when quail hunting is on? Dab gum ice boys and their sticks.

This is just one more example of why hockey is meant to be on ESPN. The Super Series would be re-aired 4 times a day on tWWL, with Melrose, Bucci, and crew hosting a two hour pregame show on ESPN News. That's how you make things happen, force it down the people's throats.

Speaking of shoving things, where is that USA Basketball qualifier?

Long time, no see....

By Jon

It's been a while since our loyal readers have read anything new in the Roost, and with that comes our sincerest apologies. Nothing is more annoying than a dry-spell from a site that updates regularly.

Fact of the matter is, nothing has really happened that we consider, shall we say, Roost-worthy. Let's examine.

ESPN's Page 2 released a list of 50 current NFL players that are future HOF'ers. Included on the list: Reggie Bush and Vince Young (1 year of experience each), and more shockingly Calvin Johnson and Adrian Peterson (Combined snaps played: 0. Zilch. Nada.) But a column on that would have been too easy.

Page 2 also released this list in conjunction with the first. They really outdid themselves here. I was shocked that they put Mike Vick on their list of "10 big names that won't make Canton." I can't even imagine how long the writers must have deliberated before coming to the conclusion that Jeremy Shockey will never be bronzed in Canton. Come on guys, common sense. No Roost commentary necessary.

Some guy (Jake Brown) that no one had ever heard of before this, fell about forty feet while competing in the X Games. He remains hospitalized with a liver and kidney complications, but is expected to make a full recovery. He did walk off under his own power, which is amazing considering the impact. While this may have been very close to making it in the Roost, none of us can give you real commentary on skateboarding, because I'm pretty sure we have never watched an extreme sporting event in our lives. The Goose's Roost does not support adrenaline junkies.

We probably could have spun a few non-stories into stories. Barry Bonds stuck on 754 (Thank God), A-Rod stuck on 499, including an 0-21 stretch immediately following his 499th HR (and he had us thinking he could hit under pressure. Bastard), and Tom Glavine stuck at 299. If I could have lost any more respect for Bonds, I have. I've watched his last four or five games, and I find it utterly despicable that the man can not play a full 9 innings. The man does not belong in the league, and he's only in it to have his name tied to the record (hopefully with an asterisk), because clearly the Giants aren't going anywhere.

Although, the games are highly entertaining just to watch Barry's family. Seeing his daughter and wife (at least i think it's his wife) in the stands makes me laugh uncontrollably every single time. They look like they are watching a five-hour long opera while sitting on a chair of spikes.

But with Barry, A-Rod, and Tom not accomplishing their milestones, there is no story, really. And we don't want to ramble and make you read a load of BS, because we value our readers.

Speaking of a load of BS, we were just incredibly lazy this past week. We aren't so high and mighty to think that something has to be "Roost-worthy", we are just lazy, lazy men enjoying our summers. Forgive us, please. More regular updates to come.

"Is that a... OH MAN!"

by Ryan

Just when you thought Simo Hayha was the most dangerous Fin ever, along comes Tero Pitkamaki and his javelin.



Now I don't know about you, but I know that is exactly how my face would look if I was suddenly impaled by a large throwing spear.

Because Sdiri is okay, it is safe to look at this and go "wow, that actually is pretty cool." Someone with a bit of creativity could attempt to recreate the effect with toothpicks and whipped cream Frenchmen, but to each their own. A personal favorite would be to guess the most likely thought going through his head as a pointy stick is rammed into his side.

The Top 5:

5) "Man, these quad stretches really do burn!"

4) "Wait till I get Zidane on the phone..."

3) "This is still better than it "raining men" like last year..."

2) "Man, if I'd known her brother throws javelins for a living..."

1) "Maybe this will make me more "NOW" than Posh Spice!"

The Classics

By Jon


ESPN Classic used to be a quality channel. I swear, it did.

Some ten months ago, I moved to a new location with a different cable package, and I was thrilled to find that I had ESPN Classic. It quickly became my favorite channel on the tube, as I found myself wrapped in quality college football games and other events on a nearly daily basis. They even threw in three episodes of "Stump the Schwab" (my all-time favorite ESPN show) to boot. It was the most TV i was watching in months. My roommate and other friends would ask silly questions like "How can you watch this when you know what's going to happen?" They just don't understand.

Now I have returned home to find that I still have ESPN Classic. Except, the only difference is the programming has slowly changed over the past ten months. Now every time I turn it on, I am subjected to "classic" World Series of Poker moments and Streetball. Maybe it's just me, but I don't care about that "classic" ace that was turned on the river or what move "The Professor" pulled in 2004.

Now, I understand that they must be pulling in some sort of audience that football and basketball games weren't roping in. It's a business, viewers are everything. And I'm not saying that classic sporting events have disappeared, they have just slowly diminished.

Since we started this blog, I have began to realize how much I hate ESPN and the mainstream media in general (as you can tell by my various anti-ESPN posts). Now they have ruined the only branch of their network that I thoroughly enjoyed, and I couldn't be more mad about it.

Please ESPN, more MJ, Elway, and Aaron. Less Chris Moneymaker.

The Bottomline

By Ryan


We will return to The Goose's Roost after this brief PSA from sports fans everywhere:

Dear ESPN Bottomline Guy,

We understand you have a lot on your mind, but sometimes you suck for us. We know it is your job to tell us everything that happened in a limited amount of space, but sometimes you just get in the way. For example, if we are blessed with a replay of a major sporting event, please be so kind as to omit the final score of that game from your programing. Thanks a bunch, kiddo.

Listen, we have no problem with a final score incident on SportsCenter, otherwise you would have nothing to run for an hour. However, when you are intentionally replaying the NCAA Lacrosse Championships and know exactly when it is played, do you really have to run the final score and give in depth analysis while it is in the first quarter? Really? In this modern world of cell phone updates and lightening fast technology, there is no way you can skip over the one score anyone watching your programing doesn't want to see?

Why not place a nice ad for your website, or even your highlight show running on your sister station? If someone wanted to get the final, there are tons of better options than the deuce. Heck, the least you could have done is posted a final score and a "GO WATCH THE STANLEY CUP FINALS!!!" banner on the picture. If you are not going to care, at least make some money off Versus advertising.

So in conclusion, thank you ESPN, for killing millions of Duke Lacrosse jokes for the people who have better things to do on Memorial Day than watch midday NCAA lacrosse. We were biting tonight, we were biting... tonight.

We would also like to thank the good people at MSG for showing the final and entire summary of Game 5 of the Sabres/Rangers series while showing "Rangers in 60," thereby ruining one of the most important moments in Buffalo sports history for people whose Tivo taped the Versus blackout. Good call, boys...

Sincerely,

Everyone

Dear ESPN,

By Jon,

Did anyone hear the news? Keyshawn Johnson is retiring.

Three days after Johnson announced his retirement, ESPN is continually shoving this in our face. Coincidence that Key is joining ESPN's broadcast team? Absolutely not.

This is absolutely driving me insane. There's no way this is even a story if Keyshawn wasn't joining ESPN. It would be nothing more than a blurb on the bottom line. Today on ESPNews "Football Friday" program, analysts actually discussed (with a straight face, mind you) whether or not Keyshawn was a hall-of-famer.

In my book, Keyshawn goes down in history as a good possession receiver. Maybe I'm biased based on the fact that his later years are fresher in my memory, but a possession receiver doesn't deserve this much hoopla. And the thing is, outside of ESPN, there isn't really much of a buzz. A quick AP blurb in the few papers that I saw, and that's all his retirement should be.

Quick..... Name one famous play or game that Keyshawn Johnson made an impact in. Super Bowl XXXVII (his lone appearance)? A pedestrian six catches for sixty nine yards in a game that was won by the defense. Possession receiver numbers. Now.... Can you name the title of his book? The point is that Keyshawn is more remembered for Just Give Me the Damn Ball and his personality rather than his play on the field.

Perhaps what makes me the most mad about this false retirement hype is the fact that one of the greatest NHL defensemen to ever play the game (Brian Leetch) retired this past week to barely any press whatsoever. One line on the ticker, much like Johnson should have got.

I plead to the higher-ups at ESPN. The media is supposed to be unbiased and impartial, please stop making a story bigger than it is so you can promote your new analyst.

(Editor's Note: Click here for an interesting article by the ESPN Ombudsman Lee Ann Schreiber on how ESPN coverage is affected by its programing. Hockey fans will be especially interested...)

On pins and needles

By Chris

Last week, Sports Illustrated reminded me why baseball is such a great sport, because of players like Grady Sizemore. Average, hard-working guys with extraordinary talent going through the grind of a 162-game schedule in a game filled with strategy and skill. Guys like Sizemore appreciate what they’ve earned and author Tom Verducci reminded us in this feature that, unfortunately, these “throwback” players, who dig it out after every at-bat and run down every fly ball, the guys who are in it for love of the game above all else, are far and few between these days.

Verducci seems to be on a quest to move past the negatives of the steroid era, and has used his columns and features to focus on the good of the game. In the few years since the end of the Steroid Era, he’s talked about the reemergence of small ball, what it’s like to go through spring training through the eyes of both a major leaguer and an umpire and has been praising Daisuke Matsuzaka and the improving state of the game internationally.

So how does SI follow up that great Sizemore cover piece? By putting Barry Bonds’ head on the front page, which I now assume is as large as the actual Golden Gate Bridge:

Thanks for reminding me of everything I hate about the game, team salaries aside. This week’s issue also had a tremendous piece about Mike Tomlin (only the third Steelers coach in 38 years and a minority to boot), two articles on Detroit sports teams (the Pistons and the Red Wings, each now in the Conference Finals of their respective sports) and an another article about how Phil Mickelson isn’t a choker anymore (he won the Players Championship last week and was the cover boy for SI’s Masters issue). But who do they choose? The most hated man in America not in an elected office.

Granted the Great Home Run Chase is a legitimate story, but the focus of the article is to let people know that not even the people of San Francisco really care. They’d rather talk about the Warriors and worry about Bonds breaking the record whenever he gets closer. Many will defend Bonds, citing that if he juiced, then the pitching had to be juiced, too, so it's a wash. Others say that it’s just another home run until he comes within two or three of the record. They seem generally bored with him. The article even has little kids telling the world how much they despise Bonds and hope he gets banned from the game. There really is little local buzz surrounding Barry’s bat. If they don't care, why should I?

Bonds may say it’s because he’s black and everyone else is racist. Really, Barry? Could you please tell me whose record you’re really chasing? Henry Aaron, right? Isn’t he African-American, too? The racism cry is just a crutch because he doesn’t want anyone to talk about the problems he’s caused himself. Curt Schilling told us that much, but even that was uncalled for, and just threw more gasoline onto the Barry Bonds bonfire. The truth is that there’s so much baggage that comes with Bonds that people are generally just tired of him. From a possible indictment on allegations of perjury to the sacred record, it’s refreshing when SportsCenter doesn’t talk about him for a night.

Unfortunately, this won’t be the last time the steroid issue will be thrown in our faces, especially as Bonds inches closer to 756. This issue of SI came to my doorstep a week after David Ortiz admitted that he might have taken steroids. After all, who knows what they put in the water back in the Dominican Republic, and on the same day Jason Giambi decided to open his big yapper to USA Today about this topic, saying that Major League Baseball should have stepped up to the plate years ago to apologize for all of the problems that have resulted from the steroid scandal. Hopefully Giambi expects the apology to be more detailed and sincere than the "apology" he gave in 2005. Even at the end of that article, he still refused to talk about it. Way to step up, guys, now please just shut up.

ESPN the Magazine also continues to provide in-depth investigative reports from inside clubhouses about the steroid issue from nine years ago. The cover story of their current issue (another cover of the issue features Chuck Liddell...and UFC is clean, right?) tackles another such report, as the blurb promises to tell us, “how clubhouse gofer’s became baseball’s steroid connection.” It discusses how intimate some "clubbies" have gotten with players, but still no names are really named and it's all mainly still specualtion. I just don’t care anymore. It’s still far too early to judge the steroid era, anyways, and it will be as long as those central figures involved (Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Giambi, Miguel Tejada, and so on) are still in the game. For all we know, it may still be going on, since substances like HGH still aren’t being tested for by MLB. Way to be firm on that one, Bud.

So why burden the public about yesterday’s problems when we’re still not even sure how to feel about them? I still don’t know how to feel about Sosa. Should we be happy he’s made it back to the Show, or shower him with boo’s because he’s an alleged user? We just don’t know. Why not just enjoy today’s current crop of stars, like Sizemore and Jonathan Papelbon, Jose Reyes and Cole Hamels? Is it too hard to just sit back and enjoy sports anymore?

Espanyol and Ointments

I'll start off with an easy one: SportsCenter Deportes is pointless. Honestly, there are times when I can barely comprehend the English speaking anchors SC throws my way at 2 a.m. But no, ESPN has to globalize and broaden my horizons with an anchor with a wicked Spanish accent telling me about "worldly" events.

This bothers me for a few reasons. First of all, I hate that this most often comes before hockey coverage. Why is it necessary to tell me about something happening thousands of miles away when a hockey game just ended in this country? Can't you scroll an international soccer score on the Bottomline and give me some in depth coverage of the Western Conference Finals?

I mean, I love "the beautiful game," and some worldly soccer news is entertaining, but it is certainly something I don't need to hear on SportsCenter every night. If you truly feel the need to tell me about AC Milan, at least let Stu Scott give it to me, just for comedy's sake.



More importantly... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I have been cowering in fear over this since Sunday. Anyone who was fooled by a report of a "torn skin flap" was joking themselves. The only "torn skin flap" I've ever had was on my foot after skating... and was from a blister. Nice try, Red Sox training staff. You almost had us...

But seriously, this is a bad sign for Red Sox Nation. We all know the history Beckett has with blisters. We've heard the stories about all the creams and ointments he has gone through in search of his pitching hand lasting an entire season. To go 7-0 and then go down with skin issues is such a tease. I understand the blessed situation we are in with regards to pitching, but I like the idea of having a healthy Josh Beckett tearing up the AL. (And I see your Rocket, Yankee fans, and raise you Jon Lester...)

Whatever goat semen or "Udderly Smooth" Beckett needs to make his skin heal properly, the boys down on Yawkey Way better order another case of it. Let Jeremy Bonderman take your place as "Mr. Blister Hand." He's well on his way...